This post is hard to start. So ill just start with the details. Over the last weekend I underwent an IVP for kidney issues. Something about the way the tech acted made me feel completely insecure about the results, but she wouldn’t tell me anything. While I was worrying about the test I also became physically ill and got another infection in my foot. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it yet my health isn’t the best and hasn’t been since having my son two years ago. Over the last two years I have been on back to back medicines and antibiotics because something has continuously been wrong with me. The doctors just can not seem to figure out what is going on and why my immune system continues to be so weak. All of the not knowing sometimes makes me fear the worst.
Being Mother’s Day weekend it was ironic that I spent a lot of time driving to appointments by myself crying at the thought of not being with my children should the worst happen. That’s a hard thought to handle. My kids are both still very young. How would my son, only two, ever remember how we spend our mornings snuggling and kissing each others noses? How would my princess handle not having her moms support during her wedding day and be there for her when she has her own children? I can’t leave them yet, I’m not ready.
Being a mom is tough enough already, being a sick mom is even tougher. Every time I go in for tests, every time I can’t get off the couch, I can’t let my kids see my pain. I don’t want them to carry my burden. So what do I do? I hold all my worry and fear inside until I am alone, then I have a good cry and get back to being strong. I don’t have any really good advice for you about being a strong mom because I’m just barely getting by, but what I have learned from all if this is to be present in every moment. Make the most if the time you do have with your kids, try and make memories with them and be sure to get in the photos too!!!
I am hoping to be just fine and live to be 101 years old but just in case I am cherishing my Mother’s Day and everyday with my beautiful children. They are the best gift I’ve ever received.
Sadly, I couldn’t find a photo of me and the kids together for this post.
I guess I need to take my own advice and get in some more photos with them.
I know this post is a little off topic for me and not something I normally like to share, but I am in need of a little therapy and writing out my fears sometimes helps. I would love a little advice, prayers, kind words. . whatever you are willing to give.
Even a “You’ll be fine, you over paranoid freak” will work just fine. 🙂 Thanks.
<3 Dick and Jane
p.s. my children also brought me a donut in bed, gave me beautiful troll beads and my husband bought me red roses to plant in my garden for mothers day. It was lovely.