I don’t normally write about things I don’t know very well and marriage to me (even though I have been married for over 9 years) is still something I just don’t feel like I’m a pro at. There is so much emotion, conflict, changes and decisions involved in marriage. Each one is different and constantly evolving. How do you talk about something “as a matter of fact” that is so complex? You can’t. So today I wanted to open my blog up to a conversation about marriage. I am hoping to share with you a story and have you share with me your thoughts. Since every marriage is different, there is no right way or right answer. However, maybe, just maybe we can learn from each other and find new ways to internalize some of the thoughts presented here.
Do you remember what it felt like when you first met your spouse? That feeling of passion and the feeling of wanting to be with them all of the time? The rush of emotions you felt when they entered the room? How do you hold on to those feelings AFTER you’ve said “I do”? How do you make that feeling of being wanted last? By being “wanted” I mean having the feeling that someone still wants to be with you and hang out with you, even when they don’t have to.
It seems that all to often when I speak with my friends about marriage their main complaint is that they no longer feel wanted by their spouse. That feeling that they had before marriage of wanting to hang out with each other was gone and they somehow find themselves feeling pushed away.
My thoughts on this is that you can’t expect to feel the same way about your spouse throughout your entire marriage the same way as you did during courtship. We grow older, maybe have kids, get jobs and life inevitably changes. Therefore, we inevitably will change as well. I believe that we simply wont be able to hold on to that feeling that we had in the beginning of marriage, however I don’t think it is completely gone, it just changes. As marriage grows and evolves so does our feeling of “love”. It changes focus from “I want to have you right now!” to “I love this life that we are building together and the future that we have.”. We become content in our relationships and our feelings of love evolve and deepen. We learn more about each other and that person that we married truly does becomes our other half. However, sometimes during this growth we also forget to keep sharing our admiration for each other. As before we might have told each other how much we loved them on a daily basis, we might now just think that the other person already know’s our feelings. When we see someone every day, and have seen them at their worst, we might also forget to tell them how beautiful they are. We no longer swoon over them and gush about them to our friends. We become lax at opening doors, making their favorite treats, and simply just holding their hand. And all the while, undisclosed to us as we think they should just “know by now”, our spouse may be feeling unwanted. In a nutshell, as we begin to treat them as a part of ourselves we often forget that they are a separate being who still needs our attention.
Please don’t watch it if this will offend you.)