Ok. Here it is. Today I am having a real problem with being positive. Normally I would just tell myself that if I didn’t have anything nice to say then I wouldn’t say anything at all. But, struggle is part of life. It’s part of my life and it’s a part of yours. Why should we hide it? It’s better to acknowledge our life’s struggles and come out stronger because of it, right? Maybe.
So here it is. Today started off kinda hectic. It was the first day of school and I don’t handle the school year very well. I find it awfully stressful. So beginning at 2am last night I was up worrying. The thoughts in my head wouldn’t stop. My son, who can usually feel my tension, woke up and wandered into my room. I brought him into bed with me and gave him some snuggles to help him fall back to sleep. Snuggles with him usually help to calm me down a little bit too, so I was kind of happy that he wanted me. However, about a half hour after him coming into my room he tapped me on the shoulder. “Mom” he said, “I peed on you”. “What!” I said, jumping out of the bed and turning on the light to survey the damage. There he sat, my little half asleep boy, crying in the middle of my urine soaked bed. Truthfully, accidents happen and as a mother it is not the first time one of my kids has peed on me (or worse). Now that I think back on it, that was probably the real reason he came into my room in the first place, he was just too sleepy to know it at the time. But either way, we cleaned him up (luckily I wasn’t affected) and looked around for a new place to sleep. About our only other option was his little boy bed and the both of us weren’t going to fit in it, so I put him back to sleep there, covered my bed with towels and laid back down on top of them. Falling back asleep was out of the option at this point, I had already turned the lights on. I was wide awake (plus I was laying atop a urine soaked bed. ‘Nough said.).
When morning rolled around I struggled to get out of bed. I knew that my day was not going to be peachy keen from the get go, but I decided to push through it with a fake smile on my face. After a tearful first day, tension you could cut with a knife in the office, months of planning falling apart and a call from my families doctor to give me unfavorable test results and I was done. My stress levels were through the roof and I was beginning to get a sick feeling in my stomach. I tend to internalize my stress, thus it actually makes me feel ill. But in my pursuit to look like “I’ve got it all together”, internalizing it is my only option.
Being negative is not something I really like to share. It makes me feel weak, like I’ve failed as a mother to keep it all together. One thing that I pride myself on is my ability to look at the positive, or at least my desire to find happiness in my everyday life. However, today I fell apart. There, I said it, and that’s ok. I am not going to judge myself on this single day in life. This day does not define who I am or what I am about. This day will just be a memory when I open my eyes tomorrow and God willing I will get another chance. I had a bad day and that’s that. Being a mother doesn’t mean that we have to be able to do it all. Why should we be expected to not have bad days? We are still human. Contrary to popular thinking, we are not super-human. So, I am going to bed, but first I wanted to say to you:
“You are ok. You are doing a fabulous job because you care. Yes, sometimes life will get you down. It does everyone. Don’t be fooled by the notion that you need to get back up right away. Give yourself a chance to recover. Rest. Ask for help. Sharing that you are struggling does not mean that you are weak. You are loved. We are in this together. Your struggle is mine as well. Give yourself a break.”